Latest on Times of Israel: Jewish Diaspora Plot Revealed!

My latest on the Times of Israel…

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Yesterday, Turkish Deputy Prime Minister Besir Atalay was quoted as saying that the Jewish Diaspora was behind the demonstrations in his country.

Today, in an exclusive piece, the Times of Israel reveals a copy of the Jewish Diaspora’s minutes sent anonymously after their recent meeting.

Jewish Diaspora Meeting Minutes
Week of June 23rd 

Time:  9:00 AM Eastern Standard Time
Location:  Conference Call, New York City-based
Meeting called by Jewish Diaspora CEO, Shlomo Shekelthief
Notetaker:  Myrna Shylock, Treasurer

Agenda Topics

Taglit-Birthright Israel

Conversation:  While the Jewish Diaspora is generally pleased with the number of young people traveling to Israel, our procreation rates are too low.

Action Item:  Tour operators to offer free shots of Feigling flavored vodka upon arrival at Ben-Gurion Airport to encourage copulation.  PLEASE remind tour guides that sexual relations culminating within one kilometer of Yad Vashem are strongly discouraged.

Person responsible for follow-up:  Rivka Jewface, Capetown office


Conversation:  The High Holidays are only two months away.  Marketing efforts must commence immediately to meet our synagogue attendance quotas.

Action Item:  Immediate commencement of dorky Rosh Hashana videos.  To host them on our site, upload to Dropbox NO LATER than August 10thusing login jewishdiaspora@aol.com, password “gefilte1948.”

Person responsible:  Bernie Sheister, New York office

Parking lot at 47th St. and Madison Avenue

Conversation:  The goyims’ annoying habit of occupying our “Jew-Only” spaces

Action Item:  Phone calls to Mayor Bloomberg to rectify the situation by towing any non-members of the Tribe who are in violation.  PLEASE remember to call the mayor on his private Jew line: +972.2.500.7007

Person responsible:  Jason Fishcloud, Sydney office

Covert Operations in Turkey

Conversation:  It has come to our attention that Israel’s neighbor Turkey is experiencing tremendous success.  We, the Jewish Diaspora, will not stand for this.

Action Items:

1)  Turkey’s GDP currently sits at 15th largest in the world.  Our South American office has graciously volunteered to make sure they drop to 87th by February 2014 through a combination of sketchy accounting practices and by petitioning the Ramaz School to coordinate a worldwide Kebab Boycott-Divestment-Sanction effort.  If you would like to be part of these efforts, please send intra-office mail to Moises Cohen in our Brazil office.

2)  To our undercover intelligence agents who have helped spark the protests in Gezi Park, we wish to extend a hearty yashar koach to you.  Your efforts have not gone unnoticed; expect some extra “gelt” this upcoming Hanukkah.  Our involvement in another nation’s internal affairs will continue this week, however, PLEASE NOTE:  when wreaking havoc in a foreign country’s riots, do your utmost to blend into the local population.  Wearing your “Camp Heschel” t-shirt is forbidden.

Also, if you are interested in attending this week’s demonstrations in Istanbul, you MUST have a permission slip signed by your parent or legal guardian NO LATER than Friday, June 30th.  Jewish Diaspora members with heart conditions will be forbidden from entering any areas where tear gas or water cannons may be deployed.

Special Notes

Roslyn Feldbarf-Rabinojew of the Congregation Bnai Zion in Golders Green is the winner of our monthly weekly raffle.  Roslyn will receive a year’s supply of noodle kugel.  Mazals to Roslyn.

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