45% of Electorate Chooses to Defecate in Envelope
Bringing weeks of back-and-forth political tension to a conclusion, Israeli voters expressed their distaste for the lack of attractive candidates by dumping into their ballot envelopes.
“I’ve just had it with this ridiculous coalition system”, said David Bar-Wasser, a secular Ra’anana oleh of twenty-three years. “The majority of the country doesn’t like our current Prime Minister yet there’s no one better to vote for. This seemed like the best way to voice my dissatisfaction. Plus, I really needed to drop a deuce.”
Early returns estimated that as of 11 AM, the most votes had been cast for “dump in envelope”, followed by Likud-Beyteinu, then Labor, Yesh Atid and Jewish Home in some order, and in fifth place, the “light ballot on fire” option. While Israeli-born voters felt confident about their choice to crap in the envelope based on the country’s complete lack of credible options, the immigrant population spent far more time deliberating.
Said Ricki Weiss, a religious British olah chadasha from Jerusalem: “To be quite honest, I went back and forth. I like Bennett’s conviction to return our fate to our own hands but I also see the value in voting for Shelly’s economic program so I can finish the month with more money in my pocket. It was a tough choice but in the end, I chose to follow my heart and s*** directly into the ballot box.”
In an unrelated incident, one Shas voter was angered this morning when told that his vote did not count, even though he had shoved the ballot into the Kotel.