Baseball: Why I Created the ‘Israelis Make Me Laugh’ Category

No idea what’s with the crazy spacing here….I think Blogger is haunted (as if I needed any more reasons to move to WordPress…)
My first post back in Israel.  To be honest, I’ve had a tough time sitting down and forcing myself to write.  Anybody know the feeling?  It can’t be writers’ block, there’s never a shortage of stuff to talk about.  Some say the art of writing is dying because of the short, informal and often amateur writing style of blogs (I just sounded like Huey Lewis to myself…”they say the heart of….”  Never mind.) 

I’d go one step further…with the easy to write statuses on Twitter and Facebook and the immediate feedback of comments, it’s hard to find motivation to crank something longer out.  For 2.5 years, I never made the gratuitous FB status update unless I needed something.  Two weeks ago, I decided to start just for the heck of it to see what kind of responses I could inspire in….whatever FB’s equivalent to Twitter’s 140 characters or less is.  I must say, not a bad way to waste tons of time.  Not bad at all.  If I get to uploading pictures, I’m in big trouble.
More or less…
But there is never a shortage of stuff to write about, even if it’s from a few weeks back.  Even though I spent the summer in America, I did manage to hang out with some Israelis at summer camp, including my friend Assaf.  One night, on the oh-so-rare occasion that I managed to leave camp, the two of us celebrated my night off at the local watering hole.  I found my eyes glued to the game on TV and decided to take on the fun task of teaching Assaf the rules of baseball.
Have you ever actually tried to do this before?  Wow, not so easy.  What a seriously intricate set of rules…
“Ok, so the guy fields the ball and throws to first except sometimes he throws to second to force out that guy but if there’s not a guy on first, the guy on second doesn’t HAVE to run and please don’t even ask me to explain the infield-fly rule.”
This brilliant observation made me gasp for air, laughing:
(put on your heaviest Israeli accent first)

“Ehh….waht eez weeth all deh speeting?  Dey ahr like leezehrds!”
Yep, he’s right.
After a great play, I scream, “That was *&*$# unbeLIEVable!”
“Een Eenglish, I theenk you hev to curse to make sahm-theeng eem-portent.”
Yep, he’s right about that too.

“Ok, if you hit a ball foul, it’s a strike UNLESS there are already two strikes in which case it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Waht???  Waht other stoopeed rules do you hev?  Eef eet eez Mahnday end one shooelace eez untied, you ken noht eet pizza???”
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And by the way, he’s totally right.
Soon after, the non-Jewish EMT of camp approaches and says in his heaviest Texas accent, “So are you ready to play shortstop for the Yankees?”
“Mahn, I do noht even know waht you jahst sed.”
“The Yankees, the team from New York.”
“Deednt they fight deh South in deh Civil War?”

For any of you non-Americans out there who may not be familiar with our national pasttime, this should teach you everything you need to know.

By the way, if there’s a funnier thirty minutes in any movie EVER, I’ve never seen it.  10 or so years ago, I remember thinking I couldn’t imagine dating anyone who didn’t think “Seinfeld” was funny.  I’m no longer that much of an extremist but in that same vein, I don’t know how I could respect anyone who didn’t find this funny. Dudes anyway.
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