What War Zone News: Fair, Balanced, With Three Chumus References Per Hour

Boker tov, all-did you have a good long weekend? Not Memorial Day….Shavuot and Shabbat. We don’t get many of those in Israel so we have to enjoy them. I heard someone say yesterday, “Oof, no holidays for a long time.” What, Tisha B’av doesn’t count? Here’s everything you need to know about Shavuot from one of my Tweets: “In Israel, Yom Haatzmaut is to meat as Shavuot is to dairy. At the end of both, I want to vomit and sleep.” More cheesecake anyone?

So apparently I failed to mention that I’m flying to the States in four days to work at summer camp. Between Facebook, Twitter, email, blogs, and more, who can stay on top of everything? B’kitzur (in short), I’m spending six weeks at _____________* as I did as a kid and most recently two years ago, working as one of two rashei machaneh (did you like that smichut? BAM! Or how about this? “Rosh machaneh”s.) I’ll be helping run the camp and not sleeping much.

Anyone know how many times I found time to post two years ago? Twice. Hmmm…. Looks like it’s Twitter or nothing. We’ll see what happens. Thus, the effort to write a few things before I go.

Here are a few unrelated newsy items which have come across my desk in the past few weeks. Thanks to Joel at Religion and State in Israel, Tony, and Mort for your appreciation of ridiculousness. Here we go….

  • From Laila Lavan. People in their underwear. If I said this was from Jerusalem, would anyone believe me even for a second? Half a second?
  • JTA says that for one day, you can visit the Tel Aviv beach in Central Park. You better not even think about going until you read this.
  • Heard about this? Dinner in the Sky has come to Israel. Let’s just get everyone’s question out there. How the hell do you go to the bathroom? (And is the shekel-taking attendant also strapped in?) And does someone forget, step away for a cigarette, and plunge 10,000 feet?
  • A Tiberias rabbi wants sexed-up mannequins out of stores. Sorry, guys, I might have to go with the rabbi on this one. Jesus, have you SEEN our mannequins? They’re dressed like they just got back from a night in Tel Aviv. I don’t want to get too descriptive but sometimes they do look a bit aroused. (Anyone ever do a double-take at a mannequin? Probably a sign that….well, I don’t know what it’s a sign of but it can’t be anything good.)
Sorry, no mannequin pictures. However, we do have a family-friendly picture of “Bob Sfog”. Like many immigrants, he apparently put off his first dentist visit.
  • This isn’t from the news but it’s still worthy of attention. Looking for an Israel program where you can help the environment? Check out Eco-Israel, a 5 month professional apprenticeship in permaculture and sustainable living. This is a MASA program (which means that scholarships are available) located on the Adam and Eve eco-farm between Jerusalem and Tel Aviv (and a couple of my friends just happen to work there. And does permaculture involve getting perms? Anyone know how to say “perm” in Hebrew? I think it’s “fen.” Please don’t ask me why I know this.)
  • Haaretz reports that the quality of Israeli sperm is down 40% in the past decade. Insert your own joke here. (If my Google ranking for “Israeli sperm” shoots up to the first page, is this a good thing or bad thing? Please discuss.)
  • Remember my “61 things” list which made it into Jpost? Apparently this happened for a few minutes. Check out my picture below accompanied by the headline….
“Guest blog: American appeasement and the Iranian bomb.”
Yes, it’s official-the future of Israel rests in my hands. Be very afraid.

  • One more thing-did you hear the news? Jameel of The Muqata and I are related. No joke. We discovered it having lunch a few weeks ago. That’s never happened to me before.

Time to pack and clean my apartment. Enjoy.


*After a few hours, I went back and deleted the name of the camp. It’s 2009; camp has an “internet social networking and blogging policy” and I didn’t get their permission to use their name. I’m such a good rule-following American.
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