For One Weekend Only: What Hurricane Zone??? (‘YIYEH B’SEDEEEEEER!!!’)

Shalom from the Gulf Coast of Texas! Hey, kids, did you hear about the impending hurricane? If you’re reading this from the Houston area or possibly from anywhere with CNN, you may have detected some sarcasm there. Good LORD…בחיים שלי (in my life), I don’t recall seeing such non-stop coverage about a single event. Well…except for whatever happened seven years ago.

I’m in H-town visiting my brother and his fam and today feels like something out of one of those disaster movies like “Independence Day,” only without Will Smith and slightly more humidity. Let’s just say that the city was a little insane this afternoon with gas lines backing up into the streets. What is this, 1973? (As if I remember.) Combine the irony of leaving “the war zone” to confront Mother Nature in a pissy mood with the shock of experiencing the American superstore and you’ve got an entertained tourist taking pictures with his sister-in-law’s camera phone. Let’s take a look…

Ok, so you can now take a shopping cart with a plastic car attached to the front for the kids to ride in. Are you kidding? This country has everything. Of course, it’s only slightly harder to maneuver than an Egged accordian bus on the Dead Sea road.
By the way, WhatSnackZone.com is currently up for grabs.
For the love of G-d, what does a guy have to do to find out how old Anna Nicole’s baby is?
Hmmm….WAIT A SECOND! (By the way, Americans, the fate of the world may rest on who we choose on November 4th. But please, go back to reading about Britney’s butt.)

Chumus: a paste of pureed chickpeas usually mixed with sesame oil or sesame paste and eaten as a dip or sandwich spread. Hummus: nasty stuff found in America which may be orange or contain alfalfa sprouts or other crap. Abu Chasan/Ali Karavan is rolling in his grave.
(By the way, Google “chumus” and see
where we come up.)
You can seriously find a greeting card for anything in America.
Next time I’m in Superpharm, this is going to happen.

Me: “Slicha, where can I find a card for ‘care and concern’ ?”
Cashier: “Ehhhh…..b’ima sheli, waht deh hell are you talking about?

(One of my new favorite phrases, explained to me by my boss. In exchange, I taught her “it’s on like Donkey Kong” as said by Peyton Manning 27 seconds in.)

Israelis, these are the things you don’t learn in high school. That’s where I come in.

In case anyone’s looking for “and”, it can be found with the soft drinks.
Not that we’re wasting signage or anything.
People like water. Especially during hurricane season.

So yeah, I imagine the supermarkets were a bit nuts today like before Y2K. Remember that? When they thought the world might explode because VCRs couldn’t handle the four-digit year code? Totally overblown. I’m not suggesting that these hurricane warnings are totally overblown just because terrorists didn’t hijack the world at the turn of the century like some Jerry Bruckheimer movie, and I realize that when it’s not my city or house on the line it’s easy to not feel as emotionally invested, but could there be something about living in Israel for two years that’s making me laugh at and dismiss all the hullabaloo on the news and around me? I mean, COME ON, TV STATIONS!!! No wonder people are afraid to come to Israel during the bad times…the media here broadcasts 347 hours straight of the same coverage and stokes people’s fears over and over again as they show the horrible footage from hurricanes past. I seriously considered breaking into NASA dressed as the San Diego chicken just to see if it would interrupt the news.

Stop that man! Err, bird!

But more than being annoyed at the repetitive fear tactics, it’s just this feeling of….oh Lord…what’s happening to me??? Don’t let me say it…but I can’t stop…here it comes….YIYEH B’SEDEEEEEER!!!

Really! Yiyeh b’seder! I admit that I can’t have any idea what’s going to happen and all indications are that this is a serious storm that’s going to hit us in a day or two…but I can’t shake this feeling that it just can’t be that bad. I mean, isn’t that what “yiyeh b’seder” is all about? That in the end, everything will be fine? So what’s the point of worrying? (Of course, this is from a country with a lame-duck Prime Minister whose neighbor is developing nuclear weapons to destroy it. So take it with a sea of salt. And on that note, I can’t get too scared about a Hurricane named Ike. Call it Hurricane Iran and see what happens. We all seem to get out of bed with a country named Iran nearby. But give her 100+ winds and watch us evacuate. That would be too much. (I’m on the verge of having no idea what I’m talking about but it’s 12:27 AM, I just had my third latte of the day, and I just finished my second straight bag of Cheez-Its. Mmmm…Cheez Its. Thank you, America!))

In conclusion, if chas v’chalilah (G-d forbid) something happens, we can expect the typical story of “how ironic, ______ lives in Israel but died in America.” Of course, aleph, nothing’s going to happen, and bet….ok, so if the unthinkable does happen, can someone take over this blog? I only ask that you post every so often, move it to WordPress someday, and keep it rated PG for the children.

Some classic “yiyeh b’seder” ‘s:
Yiyeh b’seder and television!
Yiyeh b’seder
and health!
Yiyeh b’seder
and the bomb!
Yiyeh b’seder
and its soulmate!

No time to read them? B’SEDEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!

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