Reason #485 Why You Should Go to Ulpan

Any olim chadashim reading? Like really chadashim? Here’s a tip from Uncle Benji: go to Ulpan. A lot. Like nine times a day. If I could do this whole thing again, I’d take my first 6 months off and do an Ulpan full-time. Of course (all together now): If my aunt had…uh…

Ok, if the guy in the kipah and the extremely tacky t-shirt had a sheidel, he’d be an awkward religious woman.

Ok, what is with the t-shirts in this country?
Seriously. No, SERIOUSLY.

My Hebrew ain’t bad but Naughty by Nature won’t be singing “Feel Me Flow” about it anytime soon. (Hi-do you know me? My name is “worst attempt in history to sound cool.” So nice to meet you.) Just a few days ago, I stopped in Roladin, the bakery chain with a location near where I work. I size up the burekasim and tell the woman behind the counter “shtay tapuach adama, shtay tiras.” (Two potato, two corn) Although only .00323 seconds elapsed before realizing the error of my ways and yelling “tered! tered!” (spinach! spinach!), the damage had been done. I may as well have continued ordering in Martian (do they have an Ulpan for learning that language?)

When I went back today and ordered the same thing, correctly of course, she remembered me and couldn’t hide her smile. I said, “you come to America so I can laugh at you!” to which she answered, “I ehm lahf-eeng weeth you, noht aht you.” Right. And Hamas is shooting with Sderot, not at it.

They better not be telling this story at the Roladin company Christmas party. I’m definitely going back in disguise next time.

How I’ll be dressed for Roladin next time, or…
Just a typical day on Sderot Rothschild.
(Why does Spiderman need a uni-cycle?)

Well, I guess corn is pretty outrageous to add to foods. It’s not like people here eat corn on pizza or anything.

Oh yeah…YES THEY DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cue the scary “Psycho” music.
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!
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