No Need to Divide Jerusalem, There’s Enough to Go Around

Before a recent trip to the nation’s capital, I was surprised to learn from weather.com that Jerusalem was at the time 34 degrees but felt like 20. (I always wondered why they had to report both the actual temperature and the wind chill. “Today in Swampscott, it’s 84 degrees and sunny but it feels like fourteen Kelvin.” I JUST WANNA KNOW WHAT TO WEAR!!!! Will it be Jams or a turtleneck? Stop with all the numbers. (Ain’t no way I’m not shooting to top of all the Jams Google searches after this. Ahh…brings me back to 5th grade. And who knows how to say “turtleneck” in Hebrew? Ten points for the first right answer.)

Aha-upon further investigation, I realized that I had accidentally selected “Jerusalem, Arkansas.” Huh…that’s interesting. Definitely not on my list of topdesired destinations any time soon. So just what is Jerusalem, Arkansas? How many Chassidim do they have there? What’s on their Ben-Yehudah Street?

I thought I’d do a Super Bowl-style breakdown to see which place ranks supreme. Jerusalem, Arkansas (J-Ark) vs Jerusalem, Israel (JI). Let’s do it.

Surprisingly, a search of Google News revealed not even a single story for J-Ark. Slow day, I guess. In the Holy Land, in a landmark battle of the Israeli Football League, the Big Blue Jerusalem team trounced Mike’s Place Tel Aviv, 48-6. You had to believe it to see it…in the final two minutes, Big Blue pulled off the rarely seen “triple schnitzel reverse” play, worth a whopping 43 points by Israeli rules, handing MP a painful defeat.
Advantage: JI

In an effort to meet a nice apartment-mate, I tried to register for J-Ark on roommates.com. After filling out the required fields, I was greeted with this message.

Internet fraud??? Who am I, David from “War Games“??? Contact customer support? No, thank you.

On the other hand, here is a recent email from my friend Lizzi in JI.

you know, even if i’m not around, which i won’t be until later in the evening, feel free to hit ____# and come up (dial slowly) and put the key inside. blessings lizzi

That’s hospitality, folks. I needed a place to stay and this local resident stepped up. (By the way, Lizzi, when you were away, I tried on all your clothes. Just kidding…OR AM I??????)
Advantage: JI, with some scared readers

DINING OUT: Hmm…where to eat in J-Ark? A search of restaurants revealed not even one on the unrivaled culinary source…umm…Big Daddy Data. And who is that character at the top of the screen, Barney’s albino cousin? Put some clothes on and start reviewing restaurants, buddy.

JI? Here’s a quick sample of local cuisine including the popular Tmol Shilshom cafe. I had some delicious salmon ravioli there once. And the sachlab…OOOOOH, THE SACHLAB!!!!!!
Advantage: JI

What, you were hoping for a shutout?
Advantage: J-Ark

J-Ark? Yikes. Let’s give a little help. About 175 miles down the road is the city of Hope. My American friends know who hails from there. A good friend of Israel, former President Bill Clinton. Whatever your politics, smart guy…compassionate. JI? Move over, Bill…check out your competition. Yep, she was born in the Holy City. Furthermore, she went to Hebrew U, helped Alan Dershowitz write “The Case for Israel”, and has reportedly said that although she “really love[s] the States… my heart’s in Jerusalem. That’s where I feel at home”. Take that and stick it somewhere, Talentless Biotch Formerly Known as Bar.
Advantage: JI

So there you have it, my loyal readers: Israel wins by a margin of 4-1. For those of you who were considering a move, consider yourself more informed. And next time you’re checking the weather online, make sure to be pay attention. Especially if you’re traveling here.

You’re telling me, after that post, that you don’t want to get updates delivered to your inbox? Not buying it for a second. Go sign up on the right. Do it.

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