(Reuters, AP, whatever) EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS FROM THE WAR ZONE!!!

Well, my loyal readers, another year of survival in the war zone. With each passing day, I thank my lucky stars that I have been fortunate to avoid flying mortars. To reinforce to everyone watching CNN what a horrible place it is here, I decided to leak some recent photos which were taken with a high level of security clearance.

This is me using a krav maga takedown to defeat an enemy soldierette in hand-to-hand combat. Remember, there are no rules in war.
In this photo, I’m checking the heartrate of another enemy combatant after capturing him in battle. (We’re Jews, people. We still have a moral obligation for the health of POWs.)
Here, I’m replenishing my body’s lost vitamins with a burst of electrolytes. Although you can’t see it in this picture, I just crawled across the Lebanon border.
This photo, along with the others, may or may not have been taken on my birthday. Obviously, each passing day of survival calls for a celebration.

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