My Day with Maxim (Part II)

Part I here

When we last left Benji, he was in the Azrieli train station, jaw hanging roughly 2 centimeters from the floor, hanging out at Nivit Bash’s photo shoot. I’ll be honest with you guys, I had more important things to do than to hang out ogling a bikini-clad Jewess, but when journalism calls, so be it. (And if you believe that, I have a beautiful time-share in Gaza to sell you.)

After about 30 minutes of shooting pictures, the crew prepared to pack up and head to the next site. When my new idol, err, Israel21c Editorial Director David Brinn invited me to come along, it was an easy decision. I settled myself at the back of the van, doing my best to find the oh-so-important balance between the following: on one hand, being friendly enough to convince the crew to let me stick around…and on the other, to not annoy the crap out of them, causing the proverbial “don’t pinch me” moment and pre-mature end to this dreamy morning. Seeing that most of the crew currently lives in New York, my previous place of residence, that was a natural topic of conversation.
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24 hours later…and I still don’t have this job. 

The van stopped next to a gas station of all places, just across the Ayalon Highway next to the Azrieli towers. The crew chose to shoot her just in front of a big steel barrier right next to the street. (”And the sexist car-honkings and gawking will commence in three…two…one…”) You’ve all heard that famous statistic? About more Israelis being killed on the roads than in all the wars combined? It’s obvious why. FEMALE PEDESTRIANS. I’m curious: which country has the ugliest women in the world? You show me this country, I’ll show you safe roads and bored insurance companies. Within a few minutes, the arsim were appearing out of thin air, snapping pictures and acting offended when the crew told them “no pictures allowed.”
Some random thoughts that crossed my mind…
  • What exactly qualifies someone to be an Israeli model? My grandmother could throw a rock on Rothschild Avenue and hit the next Bar Rafaeli. (And her fastball has lost a little juice over the years.) There are hot chicks EVERYWHERE. “Hey, look at that hottie! She must be the Max…Oh wait…she works the register at Burger Ranch.” 

  • I spent the downtime exchanging small talk with the friendly Maxim crew, one of which had worked photo shoots previously with several high-profile athletes like Dirk Nowitzki and LeBron James. “LeBron’s an ***hole. He has four babies from four mamas.” See, there’s the inside scoop you just don’t get from Haaretz. (Editor’s note: This is not true according to the internet, which of course is never wrong. I’ll believe it in this case.)
  • The photographer constantly gave Nivit direction like “Put the weight on that leg…yeah, that’s better.” Boy, some people sure are picky.
  • Why in G-d’s name does AIPAC insist on giving American Congressmen tours of places like the Kotel? Two words: THE BEACH!
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Miss Tishrei, 5765
(She looks different without her makeup, doesn’t she?) 

Some time later, work was beginning to call (my real work) and I could see the window of opportunity beginning to close. I hadn’t had more than a brief exchange with Nivit yet and time was running out. When the shoot was finished, I approached her to begin the interview.
Benji: “Why are Israelis so beautiful?”
Nivit: “Kibbutz Galuyot (a term meaning “ingathering of the exiles”…the gene mixing answer again.) The sun…the water…”
Benji: “What’s better: sex or chumus?” (This was inspired by the “boxers or briefs” question to then-Presidential candidate Bill Clinton, more to elicit a reaction than anything else.)
Nivit: “Oh my G-d! Because I’m a model, I can’t eat chumus. I’ll go with sex. But chumus is good as well.” (Not two seconds later, having heard nothing, one of the crew asked her, “Are you hungry? Do you want to eat chumus?”)
Benji: “Do you have a message for America?”
Nivit: “We have a great country. Come and visit!”And the capper:
Benji: “Do you want to come to my Seder?”

I don’t much remember how the following events happened but somewhere between this question and my leaving, she invited me to her parents’ house for Seder. Let me write that again: THE JEWISH MAXIM MODEL INVITED ME TO HER PASSOVER SEDER!!!

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“Why is this night different from all other nights?”
Umm…I’ll give you one guess.

Hey, it’s no secret Israelis are the most hospitable people on the planet. Why should this one be any different? I gave her my card and told her she better not be kidding. Free dinner…kosher for Passover (eye) candy…four cups of wine??? I LOVE THIS HOLIDAY!!!
Regardless of how many people buy this special magazine issue, I can confidently say, mission accomplished: I’m convinced. This is the greatest country in the world. And if she doesn’t call? I’ll see you at the newsstand.

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